I actually really hate what I look like in pictures. I haven't changed my profile picture on Facebook in 2 years - my fiance is in it, I was skinner then, and I happen to be wearing makeup. Why disrupt a good thing?

Signing up for a boudoir shoot was a crazy idea. It was meant to be a wedding gift for my husband - he was always telling me how beautiful I am, even if I rolled my eyes every time he said it. beautiful after working for 8 hours? Beautiful after spending 4 hours a day commuting? Sweatpants, hair tie, chilliin' with no makeup on... beautiful? No. Not quite.

I appreciated the love and compliments, but it was hard to believe him most days. I knew he thought I was perfect, but what was he seeing that I couldn't see? A boudoir shoot would blow his mind. He would never expect it. I could do this for him...I think. I never expected to feel immediate doubt. WHAT was I thinking? Scheduling a boudoir shoot? getting naked In front of strangers no less?

I wasn't a sexy person-I knew next to nothing about what looked sexy on me. I had never even seen a garter belt in person. Those could stay with the Victoria's Secret models. I went to my closest friends for support. & even though they supported me and lifted me up with encouraging words, Doubt and anxiety echoed back at me.

even though they supported me they went on to say they could Never do that? But why not? Why never? My friends are stunning, but I couldn't convince them otherwise. Is that what I was doing to myself without even realizing it? Was I looking down on myself instead of loving myself? If I could build my friends up, shouldn't I be loving myself in the same way? The world makes it so easy for us, as women to focus on our imperfections-to focus on all of our flaws. Society presents us with the "perfect" woman on billboards, on the tv, and the internet.

I wasn't ever going to be that girl.

But I sure as hell could try. Right...? i could let this experience show me the beautiful person everyone tells me i am..

I prepared for my boudoir shoot as much as I could, checking off all of the things on my prep list the boudoir studio sent me, & going through & completing the info questionnaires to dive deeper. I even did all of the self-love assignments & homework brii sent to me to build me up before the session. Nails and toes did?-check. Hey, ladies, ever had a Brazilian wax?-painful don’t do it unless you really want to. listen to brii’s advice you are great the way you are! but anywho I did it so ….check. Go to Victoria's Secret and have the sales associate get over the headset to everyone in the entire store to announce a mom was headed to the fitting room to choose lingerie for a boudoir shoot? And then having the thrilled woman in charge of the fitting room exclaim that I must show her once I had the lingerie on?-Embarrassing check. i should have listened to the prep guide and just used what was in briis closet

Then it was here-Boudoir Shoot Day. I shuffled into the studio-wearing leggings and an oversized sweatshirt-and was immediately greeted by two way too excited faces.

I was trying to put on a brave face as I laid out the outfits I had bought for the day, all the while chatting with brii, jackie, and even joe the office assistant came and asked if I wanted coffee or a drink or snack. as much as I wanted to think …. I'm so out of my element, I'm not sexy. What if my fiance doesn't like the pictures after all? I was whisked into the hair and makeup chair & hyped up by these two amazing women.

they had clearly read the filled-out questionnaire I sent back with my styles and desired look but still, I had some nerves.

"so...I don't ever wear makeup... and I wear my glasses every day. So..." I was staring at myself in the mirror, the fluorescent bulbs highlighting the blemishes on my face. I didn't know how to reply.

"Do you like sexy soft curls?"

I smiled. I loved when my hair was curled. as brii & jackie talked to me, I started to get more comfortable & excited and less anxious. While I was getting my hair and makeup done, jackie & brii were chatting with me about life, work, and empowering me through talk. Jackie chose outfits from their amazingly huge client closet and asked me which I liked best & pulled out 5-6 outfits that I loved to try on. I even made a joke about being half-naked in front of a group of strangers-and they laughed! Maybe I can do this. Especially when I looked at myself in the mirror once I was done in the chair. I couldn't stop staring. Could I really look that pretty? I genuinely didn't recognize the woman in the mirror-the same mirror where I had just focused on the imperfections of my face. Why was I so obsessed with focusing on the negative?

It's really all about jumping off that cliff-even if you have a fear of heights. The cliff where all your insecurities hang out and whisper those non-truths into your soul. The cliff where you have never felt good enough. The cliff where we judge other women for what they look like. The cliff's edge is too damn perfect to leave most days.

But I was determined for today to not be that day. If I could jump out of a perfectly good airplane on my birthday, I could jump off this cliff of imperfection.
I jumped up out of the makeup chair & brii & jackie excitedly threw lingerie at me and said “ fashion show time!!!!” I laughed and they helped me in and out of every piece. it was so fun trying on all the different styles and seeing what I liked best. they knew exactly how to push me out of my comfort zone.

The conservative, awkward nerd in glasses finally started coming out of her shell, slowly but surely.
we went into the shooting area and brii turned up the music and started walking me through each pose and position, showing me exactly how to do everything.

"Look how stunning you are," brii gushed over to show me a picture on the camera. And I started to believe it.

Even if brii had to play, "Run the World (Girls)" by Beyonce over the top loud & dance with me a little to hype me up in the beginning ( which she totally did- that’s just how amazing she is). Even if jackie had to help me hook up my thigh-highs to the garter belt. Even when I couldn't relax and worry about wrinkles on my forehead. Even when I had to cling onto the red chair for dear life as I flipped my hair. Even when I was laughing hysterically because the antique red couch sucks you in. Even when I laid down on the cold, bare floor to get the perfect shot. I finally let go-I felt free.

I could have never imagined what the final product would be.

You would never think that putting your clothes back on for the Reveal Session, waiting a few days & getting so nervous & excited all over again would be the most nerve-wracking moment of the experience. I felt sexy, I felt confident, and I felt beautiful. Would all that come through in the pictures?

when I came in for my viewing just a week later brii showed me picture after picture-a woman I hardly recognized.

"Is that me?! That's not me," I kept repeating.

"Yes! That IS you!" she kept saying. I didn't focus on the flaws and imperfections that plagued my daily life. It was so liberating. For the very first time in my life, I genuinely didn't feel weighed down by those thoughts. Maybe it took brii's perspective for me to see myself in a true light, to see the real me everyone else sees and not me I allow to be boggled down by society’s stupid standards as brii says. That stunning woman in those pictures WAS me looking completely and utterly flawless. I was speechless.

Flawless. Me. Used in the same sentence. (I get emotional just writing this.) I had never felt that way before. I felt like I was on top of the world. Is this what it felt like to see me through my fiance’s eyes? Is this what it felt like to truly see & love yourself?

I knew that if I felt this way about myself, there was no way on earth he wouldn't be surprised & in awe. I decided to get a 10x10 heirloom photo album for my husband- 20 glorious and thick pages from the boudoir shoot that I flip through myself every chance I get. I think I look at them more than he does. I added a metal wall art to hang right by our bed. It's a daily reminder that my self-image has completely changed after having my boudoir shoot, its a daily reminder that I am amazing and beautiful & most of all brave. A new level of confidence and acceptance became a part of my everyday life...all thanks to brii a person who has the very special talent of finding beauty in everyone.

I feel empowered just being, well...me. I had realized in giving my husband this gift, I had unintentionally given myself the best gift of all.

Love.
Miss S